My accountabilities

Everything in life I think has a cost. Even this blog needs some form of money to be able to go online. I seldom go out to apply for a job because this means asking for P300 from my mom daily and that amounts already to a few days to a week's supply of food. I somehow envy those who have so much to waste in their lives. I think I don't have the talent to make money anymore. People go to proven people and they don't trust those whom they think do not go with the usual like for me having short work experiences that I did not mean to have. It's a good thing if your P300 will pay off but most often than not that money will not return in the form of an approved job application. I am already ashamed from asking for money from my mom. But it seems that if I did not try to do anything, I would end up not doing anything and I will have nothing for myself or for my family. It's really hard especially if you know you are not doing the thing that you love and you are wasting away money and effort on something that will not work for you anymore. I am afraid that if this goes on like this for so long, I'll end up a street urchin just because nobody gave a chance on me. It's been really repetitive and I don't know what to do anymore. Do you believe that everything done in this world needs some clout? I do believe that. People do what they want in this world and sometimes, they just care for themselves and they forget to care about other people who are asking for help. People are easy to judge and they don't even know what they are judging. I don't have the clout and maybe that's where my mistake is. I let things happen. I just woke up one day and realized that I am not living the life that I wanted and I continued to pray and still no answers as if everything is up to me to happen. Right now, I know there are still opportunities for me out there, but it seems a little more difficult to do if you will not stay up and give it more hours to think about your life and how you are gonna fix it in such a way that you will do from now on the things that you wish for. You just pray to God that He will shower you with blessings. I've tried everything and everything seems a repetition of yesterday's trials and efforts and you just wish you would grow on the things that you do hopefully on something new that you do today. Sometimes, I wonder what the meaning of life really is and not just depend solely on what you routinely do everyday. I had enough money before so I disliked working when I was young and when I wanted to work nobody would give me a chance and it's years of waiting and now I really need money and I don't know how to look for it. It's difficult because you can see how others have plenty of it and you don't have any and nobody is giving you a chance. And they're gonna blame you for not working and think of you as if you're lazy or irresponsible which I am not and they just can't or won't understand somebody who's not been given a chance. Anyway, the reason for my long unemployment was them too. And that's something that they won't understand. The world is unfair and I still have to keep my head up everyday. You want to work but nobody wants you to work. I gotta receive at least something. I know exactly where I should be at. Be an actress, athlete or own a business. But I don't think I am young enough to pursue those past dreams. Suddenly, I have aged and still I am presented with the same chances. It is so tiring. I hope to God that He will give me new chances and me learn something new in my life. I hope to solve all my problems today and start a new tomorrow.